Unplug from Toxic – How to Survive Negative Quicksand
How to Survive Negative Quicksand
Toxic Noise isn’t just the recent Presidential election and it doesn’t just come from your television or spew forth from your radio. We are profoundly impacted by all varieties of inputs in our lives and they, in turn, can alter our actions, our emotions, our perspective, and our attitude – even in the workplace. Studies have shown that employee’s attitudes are altered based on their associates and who they interact with most frequently. This is so prevalent, that some HR professionals are taking care to examine personalities when it comes to building teams and departmental dynamics as a part of organizational development.
I bet you remember your mother saying: “Birds of a feather flock together”.
What if that negative quicksand lives with you, is a close relative, works right next to you, or happens to be a life-long pal – then what?? Those we are close with can affect our perspective. You can either become the unselfconscious victim or you wake up, realize how much they impact you and do your best to mitigate it. Living as a victim is optional, we choose how we respond and how much we allow others negative quicksand to affect us. The fact is: the closer the person is to us, the more they impact us. I have told my husband: “It wouldn’t matter to me what you do or say if I didn’t care about you”. When we genuinely care about others we often let their actions, deeds, and words infringe upon our emotional state. Hopefully, they generate uplifting emotions, but if they don’t it can damage our emotional well-being if we let it.
How do we unplug from toxic when that person is a part of your life?
“Happiness is not a condition, it’s a decision”. Even when we are dealing with negative quicksand in our life – there is hope, we CAN be happy!
You are in Control
First understand that you are in control of your life and no one else is – not your bad-mouthing boss, not your annoying coworker, not the negative quicksand living with you. Define what you ARE in control of in your life and accept what you are NOT in control of. For example: you are not in control of the weather, traffic, and other people – including politics and whatever craziness those idiots get up to. Yelling at the rain won’t make it stop and yelling at the traffic won’t make it go away. You cannot control it or influence these things…
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ou are only in control of YOU and your response to situations. That is all.
We can control our responses to challenges, people, and things that come up. Things will come up – that’s life. Sure, the instant emotional flash reaction is normal if you’re human. It’s what we do with it from there that matters (our response) and determines whether we are a victim or in control of our destiny.
The Power of Influence
Whether we realize it or not, we are being molded by those we are close to and look up to in life. Their very presence makes a difference. There’s no formal curriculum or instructions to follow – people model behavior. We have done this from our very first steps as a child. It’s how we learn! I tell future leaders that I coach: “You must model the behavior you expect to see in others”. By setting an example, we set the standard of behavior. Regardless, you cannot force people to change. We can provide the right environment, the right support, and cultivate others growth – but there are no guarantees. The only things we have control over are our choices, not the results.
Here are the keys to unlocking healthy relationships:
weinstock / Pixabay
- Look through the lens of what true and real – be blunt with yourself.
- Choose how you respond instead of reacting.
- Realize and accept what you can control or influence and what you cannot.
- Learn how to influence without the expectation of change or reward.
- Set respectful, positive, boundaries on behavior, time, priorities and stick to it.
- Deal with situation with integrity and kindness – even if the other person isn’t.
- Allow yourself to be OK, regardless of what other people say or do.
That last one is a big step for many. It’s so easy to get caught up in what other people are doing and saying and allow it to impact our well-being – especially if they are close to us. My mother said it best one day when I was whining about what someone was doing ‘to me’ … She said: “Honey, develop Teflon coating and let it all slide off”. Mothers are always right no one does anything ‘to you’ – you allow them to affect you or not.
You do not have to LET someone take your keys and drive your emotions!
A Note About Expectations
One of the dangers we face is that we set expectations of others behavior or expectations of what should happen in situations. I know I do and have done for years… and I was angry or disappointed a lot. Expectations and ‘should’ are probably two of the most common reasons for arguments and disappointment. What saved my sanity is replacing ‘expectations’ with ‘it would be nice if’ and throwing out the word ‘should’ as it was centered in expectation. This is the hardest lesson of all and I am still working on it. Setting expectations is something we have done since we were old enough to talk and probably the reason we screamed like a possessed demon when we didn’t get our way.
How to Survive!
ed_davad / Pixabay
The truth is we are surrounded by crazy people in a crazy world – how do we avoid the negative quicksand and survive? Learning how to become response-able and not reaction-ary takes time. Accepting that we cannot control much of what impacts our lives and learning not to allow it to affect our emotional center doesn’t usually happen overnight.
It is vital to unplug from the toxic noise in your life.
MY STORY: I realized that I was becoming a victim of all the toxic noise bombarding me all day. In the morning it was the News on TV, on the way to work there was traffic and negativity on the radio, and at work. After dealing with this day in and day out – I had NO band-width to be a supportive spouse nor was I emotionally centered. Everything that didn’t meet my expectations (which were high) was met with a negative reaction. I was becoming negative quicksand!
Finally one day I realized that my emotional quota was so full of negative bombardment from the day that I had no room to be responsive and not reactive. I couldn’t even think past the toxic noise!
MY SOLUTION: I mitigated the negative inputs every day. I refuse to watch TV in the morning, instead I will make an action plan for the day or just meditate. On the way to work and back: instead of wasting energy on traffic issues, I listen to something funny on the radio or a comedy recording while driving. At home in the evening: I focus on my loved ones and take time before bed to write in my journal or read a book. I can catch up on News online and I’m not impacted everyday by the negativity spewing forth into my life. I can respond, not react. I can THINK.
Prioritize Your Focus
Everyone has a personal emotional quota. When we allow events and situations to push us off our set point, unbalance us, and we react – we are adding to that quota. The key to survival is to prioritize what gets your energy and what doesn’t (and accepting that which is beyond our control). Those that are closer to you receive more of your attention than those people and situations that are farther removed. It’s not snobbery, it’s survival, it’s natural, and it’s about focusing your energy where it matters most.
Moving Forward
“If you continue to do what you’ve always done, you will get what you’ve always gotten.” – unknown
I am a recovering perfectionist. I lived my life with very high expectations of myself and others, I was hard on myself and generally a pain to deal with, and I have come a long, long way from being constantly frustrated and angry about things I couldn’t control or reacting when I should have been responding. I wasn’t happy. I wanted other people, things, situations to ‘make’ me happy.
I was lost…
Today I can say that, although I haven’t found the secret spring of eternal life, I have come a long way from where I was. I see from wide open eyes and a clear brain not muddied by the toxic noise that bounces us around through life like a crazy pinball game. By focusing on the positive (there’s more than you think!) as well as controlling the inputs into my life – I feel and respond differently than I once did.
Your Challenge
Try this for one whole day: observe the things you allow into your mind and that affects your ‘set point’. Are these things positive or negative and what is their origin? Observe the people you spend time with – are they ‘lifter’s or ‘downers’ and how do they impact you? The first step to unplug from toxic is observation and awareness. When we feel like craziness is controlling our lives and we can’t escape the negative quicksand – we need to check our inputs. Only then can we become aware and then respond appropriately to move forward into a life of FREEDOM.
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