Success Story or Social Pressure?
Ever find yourself thinking “I should really do this …” but you aren’t thrilled about it? You aren’t alone: it’s called a feeling of obligation often coupled with the word: Should – which is one of my most despised words. I found myself using ‘should’ frequently when thinking about the next steps I should take in my career. I was deep in the vicious circle of letting other people’s expectations of what I should do define my behavior and I was miserable. Was my career a success story or social pressure? After all, if I left a solid 9 to 5 job to become self-employed writer and coach what would they think?
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I realized that I had allowed my personal performance to be driven by external social expectations.
I’m not an advocate of suddenly quitting one’s current life path to wander aimlessly homeless and hungry. But now I understand why high-profile lawyers, stock traders, and other professionals in stressful careers radically shift focus to something that they love even though it might be a very humble lifestyle. Simplicity isn’t a bad thing, although it’s requires an uncommon level of dedication. The most ambitious career path is the one you tackle despite social pressures.
It takes resolve to let go of what you are used to.
In our culture there is an expectation that one will graduate college, get a nice job, upgrade to a nice car, go to the right parties, live in the right neighborhood, find that perfect partner, settle down, buy a bigger car or three, buy a nice house in an even better neighborhood, and suddenly: 8 out of 10 Americans are in debt – which can lead to stress and unhappiness. When you contemplate the ‘why’ behind this progressive accumulation of physical goods that also requires significant salaries to finance – it boils down to expected behavior. We are trained from a very young age in what is considered the physical manifestations of success and expected cultural norms. To become something outside of these standards is typically greeted with skepticism – one might be considered weird, unsuccessful, or at best: eclectic.
I think I’ll choose eclectic.
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Think about it: as social creatures we can be so fixated on the standard examples of Success and external pressures of ‘Keeping Up With the Jones’s’; we don’t necessarily stop to consider: “do I really need that?”. Instead we run frantically through life driven to perform and deliver the physical examples of a Successful Life while potentially over-burdening ourselves in the process. It’s a fundamental need for humans to feel like they ‘fit in’, but at what personal cost? This fear of being considered unsuccessful or not living up to expectations – our own, our family’s, our friends, or simply society’s: has us commuting further to work, working longer hours, and staying at jobs we truly dislike.
Must you be miserable to be successful? I say NO.
I challenge you, my readers, to rethink what success means to you. Determine what is truly meaningful in your life and focus on those core values. For example: if one of your core values is spending time with family and you travel extensively for work in order to provide the expected level of comfort (according to social norms); can you refocus and shift jobs? Perhaps you might need to downsize your house or not buy everyone in the family an iPad next Christmas. They’ll probably survive. I have a friend who was a promising Partner-To-Be at a local law firm… he left his high profile job and took a cut in pay in order to see his new born son grow up. He reconnected with his core values.
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What if you are single and a little financially stretched because you feel like must purchase the latest and greatest apparel so you can ‘fit in’. Or, be a member of the best clubs, gyms, and social networks? As a mentor and life coach to all ages, including young 20-something’s, I see many who have the hippest clothing and drive the nicest cars only to eat Ramen Noodles to afford the rent. Just a thought: if your friends judge you because you don’t wear the latest rags or have a designer couch – you need new friends. Making solid financial decisions are critical, and perhaps the most difficult, for younger generations that must prioritize expenses in the face of social pressures.
Set the stage for the rest of your life.
I’m not discussing radical change here since extreme deviations from the norm might send most people running. Cancelling the cable, for instance, to loosen the budget in order to pursue a career change can cause a mild panic attack for some. Not giving your children smartphones, but just plain ‘dumbphones’ may cause a momentary uproar in the household – but you haven’t moved into a cardboard box, it’s just a phone. Having a brutally realistic perspective is helpful! Oh, and I completely understand the fear of the unknown because my husband’s first question to me upon proposing a change in careers was “how will we eat out during the week?” Gee, maybe we’ll just cook a meal or two, it will probably be healthier!
It’s scary to depart from our ‘successful’ life and career path into something that gives us the freedom to focus on our values; but it can be more personally rewarding. Stepping away from the standard corporate 9 to 5 job or the stable, but career deadening, position that you have right now poses many questions. Does it mean that you have lost ambition? Absolutely not. It’s frightening and potentially challenging – but everything worthwhile is all uphill. If there is one thing that I have learned in life: doing what is right does not necessarily mean doing what is easy.
